Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Adventure of the Pork Roast

Before I get to the gripping saga of me and a certain pork roast, class, we have a new student today. Class, say hello to...

"US Gov Info"

"Hi...US Gov...Info..." (trailing off in confusion)

Class, US Gov Info comes to us from...well, I'm not sure, but I'm sure you'll all be friends in no time. We're glad to have you, US Gov Info.

US Gov Info can sit over in Janie's old seat...which is next to all of you in the "Followers" section on the right-hand side. For those of you gone with the flu lately, US Gov Info joined us a little while back. I hope you do what you can to show US Gov Info around the halls to classes.

And now we're going to return to our topic: The Adventure of the Pork Roast.

Oh. You have some questions. Yes, Becky? No, no, I'm not sure why US Gov Info moved here. Maybe you can ask at lunch.

Now, the thrilling tale of the pork roast - yes, Tyler? Well Tyler, I'm guessing that we inadvertently did something to get US Gov Info's attention as a school that looked desirable to attend. Now, who can tell me - what IS it, Lauren? - Lauren, yes, it is possible that US Gov Info isn't our new student's real name. Anything is possible. I suppose you're right, Lauren, it could be "marketing web trawler" or something, but that doesn't seem very likely.

Really, now, we need to get to our lesson. This diagram of hog butchering will show us that the pork roast - this really has to be the last interruption. What is it, Ron? Ron, I've already explained, we don't know why US Gov Info's family moved here.

I do wonder in retrospect, though, Ron, if it has something to do with these words, that I've realized have been in recent discussions: chemicals, dying, government, Nazis, doorstep, explode, Republicans, Democrats, cannon, China, Iraqis, death row, evil, blast, and Nazis again. Now of course, Ron, as we learned in English, context is important in interpreting meaning. But Ron, if you're a web trawler searching for combinations of certain words, context isn't taken into consideration.

Like chemicals in an artist's studio. Or Ernie Harwell dying of cancer. Or Nazis forcing the British to live on rations for years and years. Or doorsteps being a place in Loony Tunes animation where packages are left to explode in Elmer Fudd's face. Or Republicans and Democrats...existing. Or antique cannons being used by history nerds. Or China harvesting organs on death row. Or Iraqis having oil problems involving Chinese companies. Or the philosophical problem of evil. Or "blast! This mop is defective." Or "I have a charming childhood anecdote about a parent inadvertently scaring me with stories of Nazis."

You see what I mean, Ron. In this fearful age, sometimes things are taken out of context. Like Democrats like to claim that Fox news takes things out of context. What, Ron, what? We're never going to get to the pork roast now. You think I use a lot of violent imagery, Ron? Well, I think there's a lot here that isn't - like acorn squash recipes.

Yes, US Gov Info? What's that? It was the - it was the acorn squash recipe that drew you here? Now you see, class, this is what happens when you jump to conclusions about new students. Here you were, with all your questions, and it turns out our new friend collects recipes.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

We'll revisit pork roasts tomorrow. Class dismissed.


vanilla said...

This is great. May I link to this post?

Becky Carter said...

I hope that was a shout out to me! I will just take it as such...hope you guys are feeling well!

Unknown said...

Good to read your posts again. For awhile there, I thought we had lost you. Pork roast!

Unknown said...

Happy birthday here, too!

(This earns me double friendship points, doesn't it?)

My verification word for this comment is "unredlem." I wish you a very unredlem birthday. May all your birthdays be as unredlem as this one.

As we honor the beginning of life on this day, let us not in our revelries neglect the end of life. In other words, don't forget to set up your death email. So help me if you go first and I don't get an email, I'm asking Jesus to add ten years onto your purgatory sentence. I swear I will. Don't test me. Now where was I? Oh yes. Happy birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday darling grand daughter.