Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Torrents & Superglue

Well, I Just Survived The Biggest Storm Ever.

Okay, it might not be a "hurricane" or a "tropical storm" or the oddly-named "tropical depression" (what, the flamingoes feeling blue?)

But there were TORRENTS. Nearby Louisville (um, for all you not In The Know, that's Loovull) is flooded: I-65 is shut down, this photo from lex18.com shows poor Churchill Downs, and their library - heavens to Murgatroyd, their LIBRARY - has three feets' worth of water damage. Even - gasp - the Book Mobile. 

Save the books! Pile them in row boats! 

I was fascinated by the Book Mobile when I was little. I mean, it was books. In a mobile.

But so far, I've only seen horizontal rain, and a neighbor's grill go flying into the flashing, swirling wild. 

No wonder the OB talked about the weather today and warned us to be careful on our way home. Hmm. Should have checked the forecast this morning. Thanks, OB/Meteorologist.

Anyway, yes, I like thunderstorms. Yes, my brother shut the window I had pushed open so I could smell the rain and listen to the thunder better. Something about "blah blah blah computer next to open window blah blah blah."  Yes, I wish I had bright yellow wellies. Puddles were made for jumping, man.

But before the Storm of the Century landed in the Bluegrass, I was going to tell you about this hi-LAR-ious story out of Wisconsin. Yessir, move up several states, up to the Cheesehead State (did you know they eat a popular snack called cheese curds? They're supposed to squeak when you eat them. I tried. They do.).

I had to read the story; the headline said "Plot by four women leaves unfaithful man bound, humiliated, and, uh, glued". Well, wouldn't you read that headline? And it turns out that four women, including the guy's wife, somehow found out about each other, and set up a plot. One of the women called him and told him she was at their rendezvous point in a hotel room. When he got there, all four women - wife, two lovers, and an indignant sister - were lying in wait; they tied him up, gagged him, yelled at him, and then, in what ended up as a "sexual assault" charge, superglued his.....to his stomach. Three of the four women's names have been released, but the fourth, his wife, and the man himself, remain anonymous, due to his status as...get this...a sexual assault victim. Yes, I'm sure he was the victim in his dealings.

Let me tell you something: when this happens in a small town in Wisconsin, they may not release the couples' names to the national media, but everybody in that town knows who it is. 

Let me tell you something else: good luck to the prosecutor. It will be impossible to find women for that jury who aren't grinning ear to ear. False imprisonment and assault charges? They should be getting fruit baskets. Two hundred years ago this just would have been classified as "responsible citizens taking justice into their own hands." They did such a good job tying him up he had to chew through his restraints to get to the telephone to call for help....apparently, they thought it prudent to leave him there to think about what he'd done.

Can you imagine receiving that phone call?

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Uh, I need help, I've been tied up, and my....are superglued to my stomach."

"So you have an injury. I'll send an ambulance. Did you see your assailants, sir?"

"Well...yes, I can identify them. Four females...including my wife."

"How long ago was this, sir?"

"I'm not sure...I had to chew my way out through the rope..."

Heaven help the 911 dispatcher. Send her a fruitbasket, too.


vanilla said...

Was noting via the tube that the Bluegrass is inundated. Best of luck, hope all is well at your digs.

The story? He probably had it coming, but I cringe too much to be able to laugh.

Remember Lorena Bobbitt?

Elizabeth Glass-Turner said...

I admit, there are occasional flashes of violent instincts within me that must surely bode back to a heritage related to Boadicea, Warrior Queen of the Celts! ;)

It's rather like the poor construction fellow at the beginning of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," who can't figure out why he keeps envisioning burning huts and fur hats, unaware of his direct descent from Ghengis Khan! :)

Of course, one wonders if one's occasional malaise is simply related to Not Having A Country To Run, but of course, one can never know, in a democracy, and in the confines of one's own space and time. At any rate, I began to have the sneaking suspicion that I was less likely an offshoot of illegitimate royalty, and more likely, simply Scottish, since they all think they're all as good as royal anyway! But being American, One Never Knows. However, I can most definitely rule out being Anastasia!

And piles of dishes, dirty laundry, and dust do keep one's feet firmly on the ground ;) There are, however, those moments, when fierce battle cries seem more appropriate than the whirring of a nearby weed eater...

People wonder why I Drive The Way I Do, but it's because these kinds of things are on my mind, and not so much speed limit signs. That or theological meanderings. I was thinking today of writing a sermon on the Divine inspiration of Scripture using the Gospel of Luke as a starting point, and calling it, "Luke...I am your Father..." And then I realized my turn was coming up soon.

There were reasons I identified so strongly with Anne of Green Gables, growing up. "Woolgathering" doesn't BEGIN to cover it.

Cowgirl in the City said...

Love it! I heard about this briefly on the radio, but incredibly your synopsis of the incident is even more funny! :) Stupid guy. He deserved it. But ouch!

I read the story to my husband and his response? "Good!"

And I'm all about woolgathering... after all what else are blogs for but to air all that wool we gathered!

Anonymous said...

hahaha,,,I had told your granpa when he was younger, if he ever even thought about something like that, I would get him when he was asleep some night. I think he thought I was crazy enough to try it, too. The scripture warns about making a woman angry, and he had it coming. Bet he doesn't try it again. Now they all need to get saved and start living for the LORD. love you. granmaG.

Beth and Jeremy Glass said...

Our A&W root beer stand has cheese curds and they are awesome! As for the guy, he needs to...ahem...stick to one woman.

Elizabeth Glass-Turner said...


Charges dropped against wife.