Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Half My Kingdom for a Dyson Printer

Yesterday, the fiery chariot from "The Mummy" that comes to suck your soul out of you took me for a ride through Dante's seven or nine or however many rings of Hades and there was a baby crying in the front seat while country music blared.

That's what a migraine feels like.

So my chum called because I wasn't at work and she and another chum had stopped by to delight me by having lunch with me only I wasn't there because I was on about level five of Hades between "Some Beach" and "Boot Scootin' Boogie," and the hands of the damned were curling around my ankles trying to pull me in, like that scene from "What Dreams May Come." Or maybe I'm thinking of "The Mummy" again.

Here's the probl-ay-mo: I never remember to get migraine medicine from the doctor because they only come once every few months. But then, one comes, and I'm off to Dante's Inferno.

So I called chum Emily to see why she had called, after sleeping off levels four, five and six of Hades in the afternoon.

She had a printer story.

Now, I confess: I. Hate. Printers. Of all office supplies everywhere, printers evoke deep levels of rage that I'm ashamed to admit I even harbor. Spikes of violence come shooting through my blood pressure, and I long for baseball bats, bulldozers, and large plate glass windows through which to heave errant printers.

I didn't used to have such a gut reaction. Then I worked in the office of a car dealership, where one printer was shared by quite a few users. If a slight breeze eased through an open door, it wouldn't work right. If more than one job was sent at the same time, it didn't work right. If a kangaroo in the outback sneezed on a full moon, it didn't work. It was after spending time fantasizing about throwing it through the showroom windows that I saw "Office Space" for the first time. Then I knew.

I knew I wasn't alone.

Back to Emily's new office printer. Her office purchased a new printer, and sprang for an extra hundred bucks, because this would bump them up to the next level of printer: one with memory and a double-sided printing feature.

Want to know what the double-sided printing feature was?

Well, do you?

You know already, don't you?

It was instructions - instructions - on how to re-feed the paper back into the printer to copy on the other side. You know, the way you do when you don't have a DOUBLE-SIDED PRINTING FEATURE.

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I propose that printers need drastically retooled. Now. They are the bane of my computer-user existence.

And then I think of Dyson: those lovely commercials with the calm British man explaining that vacuum design has remained largely unchanged for decades, with one terrible flaw: the longer you use the vacuum, the more suction is reduced because of the bag filling. So he and his team of engineers addressed the problem by totally revamping the idea of how vacuum cleaners work. Result? Wind-tunnel Dyson vacuums. He completely re-approached the situation and revolutionized Vacuuming As We Know It.

Half my kingdom for a Dyson Printer!


Unknown said...

I know! I know! I know what the double-sided printing feature is!
*Raises hand, straining to reach as high as she can*

It's a total crock, a rip-off, a scandalous lie, and I demand justice.

Justice and a Dyson printer.

bluebug54 said...

Speaking of migraines - go to the drugstore - buy some Migrelief (sp?). Take one everyday. Say goodbye to the migraines - or if you do get one - it's very slight.

Also, another thing to check - I found this out by reading the food labels after getting migraines on a regular basis - Absorbic Acid (preservative - fake form of vit. C) causes migraines. I have to read every food label to be sure it's not in there - or else I'm down for the day or night - whichever. (I haven't bought the migrelief lately - need to)

Check the internet for Absorbic acid(abscorbic - spelled either way). Needless to say the other day I bought some cinnamon rolls in the can from Meijer - baked and ate them - it wasn't a half hour later and wham! I went to the fridge (I had bought 3 cans!) read the label - and was so angry at myself for not reading it beforehand! That one took 2 days to go away. Must have had ALOT of the acid in them!

My doc gave me Imitrex to use - but I haven't had to use it much since I found out about the abscorbic acid and the daily regimen of Migrelief (over the counter - no script required) - ask the pharmacist where they keep it.

Also, strawberries, grapes, and raisens can cause migraines. I have to stay away from them, also.

Sucks to get old or "food intolerant".

Anyway - just "food" for thought! Oh Ha Ha - that is just the funniest thing to say huh! I'm just like my father!

Do you know who bluebug54 is? Think - just think about it... you'll guess soon enough.

Love you and miss you - your favorite relative.