Friday, June 15, 2007

Smart Alec

It's been coming. You may have felt the eerie sensation tickling the back of your neck.
Maybe it was a hunch, a gut feeling. It's arrived.
A bunch of smart alec comments all in one posting. Consider it the sarcasm you miss
in live conversation. For the literal minded out there, here's the scoop: real headlines
subtitled with my smart alec remarks. For the college minded out there, think Bitty's
little ode to the Onion.
Christian Reformed Church Removes Bars to Women in Leadership:
because one day they woke up and said, "wait! we've been doing this all wrong. women's brains ARE the same size as our own. honey, your ovaries aren't a liability anymore!"
Tainted Toothpaste Found in Maryland:
also found, 42 dead members of a strange cult dedicated to fighting cosmic gingivitis
Liquidation: Clintons Sell Off Millions in Stock:
in senatorial rummage sale, Hillary haggles with Ted Kennedy over the price of a
Fiestaware pitcher, puts random blue dress in "FREE" box. Next week: campaign
bake sale. Bill's making the brownies, but he promises he didn't "inhale" them.
Russians Blame Americans for International Space Station Damage:
because Russia and the U.S. have been getting along so well here on planet earth.
FBI Terrorist Watch List Swells to Half A Million:
government hires birdwatchers bored from climbing extinction rates to help identify
possible suspects by call, plumage. budget increase requested to fund additional
Czech Documentary Pranksters Dupe Entire Nation:
took notes from Gore's "Inconvenient Truth" and Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11.
Flaming Cat Thrown at Boston Apartment Window:
minutemen protest rising taxes on flaming pets by reenacting their own version of
the Boston tea party
Dalai Lama Tours Zoo of Late Steve Irwin:
because the universe isn't weird enough
Pepsi Tries Cucumber Flavor in Japan:
cola company attempts a more marketable flavor since the much-talked about
sushi mountain dew flopped.
Fundamental Mormons Seek Recognition for Polygamy:
also send a large fruit basket with note that says "you're welcome!"
to Mitt Romney
Khmer Rouge Trials Ready to Start:
at this rate, Darfur genocide trials slated to begin in 2060.
China Faces Charges of Child Labor:
sends shockwaves through trusting global community who consistently overlook
China's aid to Iraqi insurgents and stellar human rights record. giant communist
nation takes notes from Paris Hilton, smiles and shrugs, promising reform.
my notion: bribe printer to replace all Beijing 2008 promotional material with
photos of children stitching together stuffed mascots.
Pentagon Confirms it Sought to Build 'Gay Bomb':
U.S. government actually invests in researching new chemical warfare to
inundate enemies with hormones that will make them make love, not war.
My comment on this: maybe Iraq is already using this on the United States!
Eye Tracking Billboards Keep Track of When You Look at Them:
then they smile, wink, and send a bartender over with a drink and their
number on a napkin
Privacy Advocate Sighted from Google Streetview:
guys who spends his time telling us Google invades privacy has privacy invaded by
Google, whose satellite captured him walking down the street .
there it is, ladies and gents: walking irony. was it a powerplay by Google sending
a not-so-subtle message to the privacy guy, or was it the privacy guy paying
someone to Google him while walking down Main St. to make his own point?
we'll never know.
but you shouldn't set your drink so close to the keyboard. move it over a bit.
there you go. that's better. hey, is that a new haircut you've got? i think the
mailman just walked up to your porch, better go sign for that package -
looks like it's that new book you ordered. boy, your flowerbed needs weeded.
Google Streetview: a new way to nag
all news stories alluded to in this post may be found by searching for
the bold titles online. they are all recent. all smart alec italicized
comments may be found by being around author. they are all recent.

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