There is a Simpsons episode in which a sign hangs outside of Springfield Retirement Home: "thank you for not mentioning the outside world."
In a dazzling display of reversal, I would like to mention the retirement home to the world at large. Mostly because I work there. What? you ask. Does it take a Masters degree to call bingo? Yes and no. No, a four year old can do it. Yes, I am much better equipped to serve the elderly and dying by my study of ministry.
At any rate, today was bingo day, and I, as Assistant Activity Director of old folks' land, called bingo. Ella May yells bingo, by the way, after every letter I call. "B-12. B as in Boy (I have to do that for people whose hearing has gone, because B sounds like G when you're 85), 1-2. B-12". BINGO yells Ella May. "N-42", I half-shout. "N as in Nativity, 4-2". BINGO yells Ella May. And so on.
At least there wasn't a fight this time. We give out stuffed animals, snacks, and consignment store jewelry. Everybody gets a prize. Several brawls have broken out among ladies fighting over necklaces or brooches. I become a geriatric bouncer.
Things I've Heard in the Halls of my Old Folks Home:
from Frank: "I'm gonna punch him. I'll punch him. He (the roommate) tried to crawl in bed with me. You know. IN BED. He was gonna make ME the woman!"
Me: "but Frank, he's not...LIKE that, and your door was open the whole time, so...
"HE TRIED TO MAKE ME THE WOMAN!"
from Ella May: "please get a nurse, I've dropped my dress in the commode..."
from Ed, to Hal: "my eyes are getting worse. the doc says I should have surgery."
Hal: "so why don't you?"
Ed:"too much risk."
Hal: "how old are you?"
Hal: "Well, then, what do you have to lose?"
from Ethel: "boy you're skinny. everyone who works here is fat. I was beginning to think
you had to be fat to work here." (20 seconds later to large nurse who walks in) "oh my, don't you look nice today?"
from me to Oscar: "I left your mail on your bed."
Oscar: "Why didn't you leave a blonde?"
from Lola to me: "LOOK at this, they put this bracelet on my ankle like I'm a prisoner or something. It's like I'm in jail and they think I'm going to try to escape."
Me: "Well, would you?"
Lola: "Of course!"
from Sam to me: "I've slept with 27 elephants."
Me, to myself: "Did he like large women?"
Sam: "I said, 'Susie, don't roll over on me!'"
Sam's Daughter: Dad used to work with the circus.